Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Sat-Navs and Jersey Plots


It interested me to read this morning that scientists have discovered a new, larger ring that runs around Saturn that has never been seen before. According to the BBC News website, the extra ring is "probably made up of debris kicked off Saturn's moon Phoebe by small impacts".

All this begs one very simple question. If these scientists at NASA are really as savvy as they say they are, sprouting from tip-top universities such as Harvard and Yale, then how comes they didn't spot this f*ck-off circle around Saturn slightly earlier?! Science is not exactly my forte, but if you gave me a telescope, pointed it in vaguely the right direction and asked me to take a look, I recon I could point out that this tree has one more ring in it's trunk than Buzz and Woody admit to. After all, we're not dealing with something the size of a Hula Hoop here, are we. So next time you find yourself floating around in space, don't rely on the Satnav to get you home, because chance's are it's shit.

The best story I read today even beats this though:

"Drugs baron found guilty of conspiring to import £1m of cannabis into Jersey by boat from Amsterdam"


I don't smoke weed, cannibis, skunk or grass. In fact, I try to avoid anything that cows would also eat. That said! I'd like to offer a piece of advice to this gang, should they ever stumble across this. IF you are going to import that many drugs into one single country, would you really, really start with Jersey? Jersey?! I'm hardly known back where I come from as a drugs warlord, but anybody with sense can see that importing all these drugs onto what is essentially an island somewhat limits one's options. The chances of escape should you get busted are pretty low when the furthest you can run away from Jersey is the end of the pier. I'm also not sure that of all places in the world, where drugs are rife and people kill for a line or a spliff, Jersey has the highest demand for weed.
What is the most ironic actually is that Amsterdam, the one place in the world where I would expect weed to be in the most demand also happens to be the one place they attempted to smuggle it out from! What was this escapade? Lads, I have a plan. Lets take this weed from a country we can smoke and sell it completely legally, to an island off the coast of England and sell it to the wrinklies and ferry-drivers. Top plan. And this is the ring-leader who "police still consider him to be one of Britain's most wealthy and influential criminals". If that's the case, then fuck me dealers are thick! Enjoy the spliff whilst you've got it, otherwise it's going to cost you a ferry ride and a stick of rock too.